I Am Alive, But She Isn't

The Rebuild family has entered into a season of heartbreak, one of our dearest friends has passed away.  The heartache is still so fresh that the words just won't come, but there are some things that I have been pouring over that I want to talk about today.  Writing these things helps me to think through them, I don't like to sensor my thoughts here, so I will pour them out for you here and hope that you accept them with grace and understanding.   

In the past few days, I have been pouring over old messages that we had together and there is an overwhelming theme, my friend loved Jesus with all her heart.  She also loved encouraging me.  The photo above is one of those messages.  I had hit a really dark time, and we were talking about it.  We often talked about my darkness.  We talked about mine and we talked about hers.  We also talked about the light. She was my friend, so I didn't have to hold back.  She understood and she delivered words of wisdom to me.  In our messages like these, a common theme was that we were alive.  At one point she said "we are clean, we are sober, and we are alive".  She told me that this all has to mean something.  We repeatedly took the gift of life that we were given and we threw it back into God's face, but He left us here.  He wasn't ready for us yet, despite our best efforts.  Why? What are supposed to do with that? 

This past week, God was ready for Kayla.  She knew Him.  She is still moving mountains.  She is a perfectly flawed daughter of God. Nothing less.  Her soul is not meant for eternal damnation! Praise the Lord for that! 

He was ready for her this time, and that has to mean something.  

He left me here, and that has to mean something too. 

I don't know what to do with that.   

I am clean, I am sober, and I am alive.  That has to mean something.  It does mean something.  There is a reason that I am still here.  I am alive.  

When Kayla was here, she lived fully alive.  Anyone who knew her can tell you that.  She lived her life to the fullest.  She lived alive, and I want to live alive too.  Her death will not be in vain. 

We are all alive, and that has to mean something....

Evidence Of Grace

"Here is what we believe to be some very good news: If you’re reading this, if there’s air in your lungs on this November day, then there is still hope for you. Your story is still going. And maybe some things are true for all of us. Perhaps we all relate to pain. Perhaps we all relate to fear and loss and questions. And perhaps we all deserve to be honest, we all deserve whatever help we need. Our stories are all so many things: Heavy and light. Beautiful and difficult. Hopeful and uncertain. But our stories aren’t finished yet. There is still time, for things to heal, change, and grow. There is still time to be surprised. We are stories still going, you and I. We are stories still going."

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-Jamie Tworkowski-

I was talking with someone a few weeks ago we were talking about the kingdom value of sharing your story. People these days love to talk about stories, how we are all living them.  People talk about how there are chapters to your story.  As a culture we love a good story.  Even if you look at marketing you can tell we are a society driven by stories.  However, I think when it comes to kingdom value, our stories are so very important. Back in my youth group days, it used to be called a testimony.  The story of how you came to Jesus, or how Jesus saved you.  The problem is, is that for so often, so many of us simply saw our testimony as a stand alone event.  As in, I came to Jesus, He saved me, now I'm good.  

The problem is, is that so often rescue and recovery is not a single, once-then-done, event. 

The sacrifice that provided our eternal rescue, that was one sacrifice for all for eternity. But our everyday growth, it's just that, every day.  

It's an often used phrase, but it's true, "we are stories still going".  We require much grace and rescue every single day.  

So this leads me to the original thought behind this post.  I, for so often, believed that I couldn't tell my story, or my story wasn't even worth telling, until it was perfect.  Until it was finished.  I thought that a story of rescue wasn't rescue if it wasn't complete.  But that isn't true is it.  Christ, in his infinite mercy and grace, is saving me and redeeming my story every second of every day.  I may still struggle.  My story may still royally blow some days  most days.  However, one look at my story and the evidence of grace is written all over it.  Look at the story of anyone who is in Christ, and you will find the same thing.  The message of rescue is present in everyone who has been rescued, and we have all been rescued haven't we.  

I am doing a bible study right now from IF that is about telling your story of redemption, and I struggle with it.  Not because I don't believe it, but because I know it's true.  Hiding my story of rescue comes naturally to me.  I love this perfectly crafted image I have built of myself.  I don't want to be broken.  I don't want to show my weakness, but that is what I have felt convicted to do.  It is so easy to keep living behind this image of who I appear to be.  I like that person. People like her, people think she is great, people admire her.  Who wouldn't want that, right? I guess what I am saying is, is that I don't, or rather can't, be that person anymore.  God has rescued me, and if telling people about that brings them to Him, or even gives them a glimpse of His infinite grace and mercy, then how can I keep that to myself? 

My story is still messy, but today is a different chapter.  

The evidence of His grace is the fact that I am still not where I used to be.  

The evidence of His grace is the fact that I am still here.  

I've made progress, that is proof of the rescue.  

I haven't moved into the next chapter yet, but this is definitely not the chapter I was living before.

How can I keep that victory to myself.  It would be an injustice to the people around me.  Perhaps more importantly, in doing so, I am not giving glory to Him.  My goal should always be to give the glory back to Him in everything that I do.  He demands glory.  

So, I will speak.

I will tell my story. 

I don't quite know how this will work.  I mean it isn't the most natural to just go up to someone and talk about the worst part of your story is it?  So for now, if someone asks, I will share my chapter.  I will point to rescue, I will point to the evidence of His grace.  I'll give Him the glory.  

-Kayla H 

A Safe Landing

I have no big words to share. No big points to make. Just thoughts that sit on my heart and in my mind. I'm a church girl. Have been since the day I got saved. Of course at the beginning it was all because I was "supposed" to be at church because the doors were opened. Now it's because I truly love to go and learn and worship. I love to learn so that I can take it out into the world and share it with others around me. So, basically I love a good, practical sermon.

Here is what I do not love about church (this is not at all intended to be negative or ranty, it's just things that I am seeing from others around me). I do not love that we all feel like we have to be perfect when we walk in. I do not love that even in small groups we don't have freedom to be ourselves because of fear of how others around us will react. I do not love that it feels like we have to keep it ALL together ALL of the time. Living that kind of life is exhausting.

When we began doing things at ReBUILD my husband and I had this plan and this vision for how things would go. Want to know how many of "our" things have happened....ZERO! Want to know Who's plan we are following now? God's! I want to share the things I am seeing Him do. One of my plans was to connect "church" people with people we were ministering to. Those who some would see as the least reached of our city. You know the messy ones that are hard to get involved with. OH, PLEASE.....we are all messy and hard to be involved with (if you aren't, please share your secret). Want to know what God has done with my plans and ideas? He's shown me that there's no difference in any of us. We all need help! We all need a safe place! We all need safe people! So, while I thought that we would be doing this mentoring thing....you know matching up people and watching them form relationships and it just being all beautiful.

Here's the beautiful God has done. He HAS brought "church" people to ReBUILD.....He's brought them because they are all jacked up and a mess too! But most of them don't have a safe place to land. To come in and be welcomed-problems and all. I'm watching us all gather around the table-from the greatest to the least-and share our burdens. Share our problems. Or sometimes just sit in silence. All the while knowing that they are in:

-a place of safety
-a place of rest
-a place where weary souls can be refreshed.

I don't know what God has planned next at ReBUILD and that's scary because I like to know it all and have it planned out. But what I do know is that ALL-church people, non-church people, Christ followers, non-Christ followers-ALL are welcome to come and be nourished: physically, spiritually and mentally.